"But as for me, I shall sing of Your strength; Yes, I shall joyfully sing of Your lovingkindness in the morning, For You have been my stronghold And a refuge in the day of my distress." Psalm 59:16
Thursday, 6:41 A.M. The sunshine streamed through the window panes and cast its rays onto our kitchen table. I sat alone at the table and closed my eyes; soaking it up. My brain was clear, and my thoughts were crisp. It was a brand new day, and I eagerly awaited it's events. Silence creeped through the house, not being disturbed by anything except the clock above the sink. Everything was still and quiet waiting for the morning to begin. The air smelled of fresh cut Lilacs from the afternoon before, and freshly brewed coffee Dad made an hour earlier before work. Looking down at my Bible, that lay open in Psalms, I soaked up the few moments I had in God's Word before heading out.
Psalm 65
1 There will be silence before You, and praise in Zion, O God,
And to You the vow will be performed.
2 O You who hear prayer,
To You all men come.
3 Iniquities prevail against me;
As for our transgressions, You forgive them.
4 How blessed is the one whom You choose and bring near to You
To dwell in Your courts.
We will be satisfied with the goodness of Your house,
Your holy temple.
5 By awesome deeds You answer us in righteousness, O God of our salvation,
You who are the trust of all the ends of the earth and of the farthest sea;
6 Who establishes the mountains by His strength,
Being girded with might;
7 Who stills the roaring of the seas,
The roaring of their waves,
And the tumult of the peoples.
8 They who dwell in the ends of the earth stand in awe of Your signs;
You make the dawn and the sunset shout for joy.
9 You visit the earth and cause it to overflow;
You greatly enrich it;
The stream of God is full of water;
You prepare their grain, for thus You prepare the earth.
10 You water its furrows abundantly,
You settle its ridges,
You soften it with showers,
You bless its growth.
11 You have crowned the year with Your bounty,
And Your paths drip with fatness.
12 The pastures of the wilderness drip,
And the hills gird themselves with rejoicing.
13 The meadows are clothed with flocks
And the valleys are covered with grain;
They shout for joy, yes, they sing.
As the words flowed through my soul, I thought of all trials that I complained about, all the sicknesses and heartaches I've been through, and all the things I regretted. I felt ashamed that I doubted the work of God's hand. I imagined life without those problems. No matter how hard I tried to justify it, I was stuck with the reality that those trials made me stronger and closer to my Savior. I found myself thanking Him for each and everyone of them. My mind ran back to those moments of despair and grief that I experienced in the past; those moments when I cried out to God in hope for an answer. I am so thankful for His provision in my life. I am thankful for Him making me wait upon His timing, and for providing me with patience to wait, knowing that I can trust Him and His plan for me.
I can remember the September after graduation; the first few weeks of a new school year for my siblings. Unhappiness and discontent fill my heart and I felt left out as my Mom started homeschooling with the kids again. Yes, I had my students during the week, but I felt like I didn't have a purpose. Not that I didn't understand what my primary role was, to glorify God and enjoy Him forever, but I worried about what to do next and what God's plan was for me. I began to feel useless and started to feel like God forgot about me. My Mom was very patient with me, understanding my feelings. I'll never forget sitting at the counter and pouring my heart out to her. We spend the next hour writing down things I could be responsible for; things that would keep me busy, things that I was in charge of, and small things I could take dominion over. She comforted me during those hard emotional weeks, and still does on my weak days, telling me God has great plans for me. Every time an opportunity closes and I feel dejected, God has another great and marvelous plan in store, all I have to do is trust and follow Him. Now I stop to look at the life God has blessed me with. He keeps me busy and content. It marvels me every time I think of how He cares for me. I am so small and He is so big. "What is man that you take thought of him, and the son of man that You care for him?" (Psalm 8:4) He knows my heart and forgives me for every doubt I have.
The Psalm I read that morning followed me throughout the day. It reminded me of how great my God is. How he formed the mountains and stills the roaring of the seas. He makes the sunrise shout for joy, and I stand in awe at the work of His hand. I will be satisfied with everything He blesses me with. He died for me. How is it that He cares for me, loves me and gave His Son to die for me, and yet I still doubt the work of His hand every day? There are days where I anxiously go to bed awaiting the morning and His plans for me, for I know they are great. =)
"For I know the plans that I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope." (Jeremiah 29:11) :D
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